Diary entry for July 28 2010:
Two years ago I was a bitter young woman living in my fathers home.
I wasn’t quite sure what God’s will was for me. But I tried to clean up my life and live for Him.
And I did.
Not perfectly, but I least I was trying. Then came Andy. Andy. The most perfect name in the whole world. It fits, for it belongs to the most wonderful man in the whole wide world! And now, he is my husband. Mine alone. Andy belongs to me and no one else!! Together as a couple we have been through so much. A lot of other couples would have long since given up each other. But not Andy and I. We have stuck through together. We have made it together through some of the hardest things. We still have many many long years together and will still have many many long trials to get through. But our love will hold us together. We are like glue: the more you pull us, the stronger we hold together. One year ago Andy and I were so excited.
Just a few short months earlier we found out that nine months later our little family would soon be welcoming a little tiny bundle of joy. Oh the excitement and happiness we both felt! We were going to be parents! But it wasn’t meant to be. Eleven weeks later I started bleeding. I didn’t want this! I want to be a Mommy and I want Andy to celebrate fathers day. For one long month I bled. The first week was hard. Passing the baby hurt, physically and emotionally. I was a wreck. Little by little though, life went back to normal. Andy returned to work and I returned to being a wife.
But I was empty.
Inside I hurt.
Inside there was nothing.
Nothing growing except fat. Christmas passed by and so did the new year. Still my cycle came and went. So did the cysts. I couldn’t get pregnant now. I had to clear my body of the infection that was growing inside. Many months came and went and slowly my body was returning to normal. Life had moved on and so had I. True, my mind would sometimes drift to the loss that Andy and I shared. And sometimes there would be tears. But for the most part, I would set my heart to look forward to our future. Monthly I would look for signs and hope that maybe “it” would happen this time. And month after month I would cry for something that was never going to happen. A year passed by. One extremely long year.
It was now getting close to the date of our loss. My heart, although full and happy, still remembered my sadness and pain from just a year earlier. But as the date approached, so did my excitement. My time still hadn’t happened. Try as I might to prevent it, I was starting to become excited. Could this really be the month? And it was! Andy and I were finally going to be parents. Finally, we were going to get to hold our very own baby! Would he have my eyes? Would she have Andy’s nose? Whose personality would the baby have? We were so happy and excited beyond anything! As we told others, it made our excitement grow more and more. Nine months sure was a long time to wait, but wait we would if it meant getting to hold and love the blessing which God had blessed us with. But it happened. Something that I never could have guessed or wanted to happen happened.
I awoke early on Monday with my undergarments soaked with liquid that wasn’t supposed to be red, but was.
This wasn’t suppose to be happening to us again! Lord!
We want this baby, please don’t take it from us!
Diary entry for July 29 2010:
When God says “no”, it’s so hard to be content or even happy.
I know He does things for a reason, and often we won’t know what that reason is. But we should and need to be thankful to Him, for He is God. So I am trying to be thankful, but it is so hard. Thank you God for everything.
Diary entry for November 10 2010: Losing someone you care about is hard. Even if you never had a chance to meet that someone. Losing an unborn baby, two of them, was something that no one should ever have to go through. But Andy and I did. My arms long to hold the children that I will never hold, at least not get to hold on this earth. One day, though, we will get to see our children. For now we must look to our Lord and love each other and hold tightly to the One who gives and takes away.
Four months ago my heart broke again as Andy and I had to say farewell to our unborn baby. To our second unborn child. I was certain that God didn’t want to bless us. At least not for a while yet. So, patiently we waited. We knew God had a plan for us and our future children. We just weren’t sure yet what His plan is. And most of the time, we never will. That is what is so amazing about our God. He doesn’t always reveal His will and plans to us. But we still trust and obey Him and His Word. Even when we don’t understand. God didn’t forget about us. Just a month after I lost our precious unborn blessing, God changed our plans yet again. And three months later…now… we are so much more than happy.
Nine months…or in my case now…six months is a long time to wait. But wait we will…and happily too if it means getting to hold our sweet unborn blessing!!!! Present Day God has truly proved Himself merciful in our lives. Even when it seemed that He wasn’t there or wasn’t listening; He was. Just because God doesn’t answer yes, or even right away, doesn’t mean He isn’t answering our prayers. He was answering my prayers by silently telling me to wait. Wait on Him. It was a hard wait and difficult at times, as I would see other women and even unmarried teenagers getting to have children while I couldn’t. That was very hard for me, but it made me cling harder to Christ and God’s unfailing love.
It made me pray harder and wait faithfully on Him to bless us in His time, not mine. For almost a year in a half I waited on God. For almost a year in a half I prayed to our God to bless Andy and I with children. For almost a year in a half I heard nothing from God. But you know what? He was listening and answering our prayers, even though it wasn’t the answer that we wanted. God does listen and answer prayers. Not in our time, mind you, but in His and only in His time!
Waiting was hard, but it was worth it! I will be five months pregnant the week of Christmas. The baby is growing good and moving a lot now. In just a few short months, our precious, precious child that we have waited so long for will finally be here! This is one blessing that we will never forget to be thankful for. Are you faithfully praying even when you think God isn’t listening to your prayers? He is.
“Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” “Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.”
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 and Romans 12:12