“Will you backdate this license renewal when you go to work in the morning?” my husband asked one Sunday evening as we prepared for bed. “I forgot to mail it on the 15th.” As the school secretary, I had access to the postage meter. Backdating a letter would only take a minute. But wasn’t it lying? I didn’t like the request. However, as he pointed out, no license, no commissions check. No check? We were barely making it now! Besides, it wouldn’t hurt anybody. The government would get its money.

Growing up, I had been taught that it was a wife’s duty to be submissive and so I was caught between my conscience (which said this isn’t right) and my duty (to be submissive). Should I violate my conscience because my husband was asking me?

Now don’t misunderstand me. My conscience wasn’t perfect and my blind spots had caused him grief as well. But my conscience is the only conscience I have. Of course, it was formed and nurtured by my family values. I always thought my dad was the epitome of integrity. I always wanted to emulate his honesty and dignity. And I wanted my husband to emulate him as well.
But as I settled into marriage I discovered that not all of my convictions were shared by my husband’s family. Some of these were minor details, such as who was responsible for vacuuming the car (although it didn’t seem minor at the time). Others were harder to solve. But when it came to money, my parents believed that thriftiness was next to godliness, while his family budgeted for entertainment and soft drinks, things my parents would have considered unnecessary. Of course it wasn’t too hard to submit to having fun! Still, I kept my eye on the budget! And felt guilty about the various changes in my life.

And now- my husband was asking me to change the date on the stamp machine because he had missed a deadline. This was not the first time his requests made me uneasy. Must I submit to his wishes, despite my discomfort?

Conflict of values. This is a common challenge to newlyweds, for God had allowed-yes, insisted- upon individuality. Therefore, differences will exist. Both bride and bridegroom come to marriage with strong opinions and a personal conscience. A young woman may be happily in agreement with her father’s conscience, or she may have added to or modified her childhood teaching. In either case, she probably has spent well over a decade refining her understanding of what God requires of her. Does she suddenly stop thinking when she gets married?

As I climbed into bed I wonder, what does God require of me tomorrow morning? Tonight my conscience says, 1) this is deceitful-and therefore wrong, and 2) he’s the boss, I have to do what he asks. Ouch! It feels like a double bind!

In the course of my ministry I have talked with many women who have found themselves in a similar predicament. In their later years they always say, “I wish I had taken a stand.” Or “I should have taken a stand.” The reason they make such statements is that there is a sense of guilt that has grown through the years; that has worn them down. Unfinished business calling for attention.

But their regret only supposes that violating one duty of conscience (#2) instead of another (#1) would be more right (read less painful). (I am assuming here that my readers agree that my conscience was telling me [at least some] truth on both accounts). And it also supposes that this is a problem that I can (should) solve. Certainly, I thought I had to make a choice between my rock and my hard place. Like Eve, I was ready to distinguish between good and evil. But that readiness is, itself, a problem when it comes ahead of trust in God. Eve would have been better off enjoying the fruit hanging on Tree of Life instead of wanting to know the difference between good and evil.

By Monday morning, I had nearly convinced myself that I had to solve my husband’s problem. The missed deadline would affect our family income. Logic told me I was the only one who could save our budget. Nevertheless, my conscience correctly informed me that I would be fudging the truth if I turned back the postage meter. I had a fleeting thought that Dad would not fudge like this.

But there were other things going on in my heart, for Satan is an opportunist and he had some other tricks up his sleeve, well designed to flatter my Sin Nature. (It does not die at conversion. Ro 7:24 Sin Nature only gets “unemployed.” Look up the meaning of “destroyed” in Ro 6:6. It means “idle” and comes from the same root as the adverb describing the laborers in the parable in Matt 20–but even more so). No doubt Satan flattered Adam as he stood there torn between his love and his duty. Perhaps Satan suggested that it was his duty to love Eve no matter what (no man hates his own flesh, Eph 5:29), or that he could indulge her and fix everything later (pride of life)

Oops, did you see that word pride? Let me tell you, I was tempted by pride. It was obvious that I had a more refined conscience than my husband, “poor baby”. He wasn’t as discerning as I was. I had read that men took longer to mature (physically) than women did. (Our culture had given me plenty of ammunition to justify feminine pride.) I should certainly allow him to grow at his own rate; make his own mistakes. Since this was his idea, I wouldn’t be responsible for going along with him (would I?). But the smugness of pride had seeped in. I had begun to patronize him; I was getting ready to indulge his “immaturity” (and it wouldn’t hurt our budget a bit). Maybe I could help him see how wrong it was after the crisis was past. Maybe Adam thought he could fix things later! I might even have time to pray that God would enlighten his conscience.

Oh yeah, about God. Why hadn’t He already taught my husband (to be honest-Abe, or to pay attention to details)? We were both believers. Why did God make men to be such slow learners? Ahh, not only did pride and patronizing slip in, but now I have turned my thoughts against God, demanding in effect, “why do I have to put-up-with/submit-to a flawed husband?” In my desire to be honest, I have fallen into other sins! I have, in my pride of knowledge, found fault with my husband (judge not lest ye be judged Ma 7:1) and then I have gone on to find fault with my Creator. What a mess!

As I listen to the hearts of older women today, I find this sequence repeats itself time after time. And the glory of godly womanhood decays from within. Surely God has a better plan for us? Surely the Biblical Woman is not cringing between a rock and a hard place? Surely she is not indulging in the secret sins of pride and condemnation?

I’ve heard older women wish they had married a man who would not have asked them to violate their conscience. And there is some value in considering that (although it is not the solution). Discussing the issue of personal differences in conscience before marriage is certainly worthwhile. But remember that no man is immune from Satan’s temptations. There is no guarantee that your chosen will NEVER fail. Or that he doesn’t need to grow in understanding and conviction. God later used my husband as a traveling evangelist, and blessed his ministry-an adventure I wouldn’t have missed for anything.

If we are willing, the Spirit will continue to educate our conscience (and his) over time. But it is always important to follow your conscience. An immature conscience followed is better than a perfect conscience ignored! I remember a time when our fellowship debated long and loud about whether it was right to lie to protect a fellow believer under persecution. Corrie ten Boom faced this question. Her answer was yes; her sister said no. As the story unfolds, Corrie does it her way and Nollie does it her way, and God does not chastise Corrie for her modus operandi nor does he let Nollie’s family down in a crisis.

Despite their strong convictions, neither Nollie nor Corrie prevailed over the other’s conscience. They argued about it, of course. However my point is that Believers disagree on many things-significant things. A girl with a Nollie perspective might prefer not to marry a Corrie conscience. But a Nollie could fall into pride and condemnation toward those who do not share her exact convictions. (See Ro 14:3) Of course, these two were sisters, answering directly to God, not a husband-and-wife unit. (The office of husband is a God-given responsibility that we are not even beginning to address in this article but that has bearing on our subject.)
So if you are planning to marry, it would not hurt to explore with your intended the issue of RESPECTING each other’s conscience. That is, if you truly want your own conscience. I have to admit there is something inside me that sometimes doesn’t want to take a stand; I don’t want to make a scene. Submission seems to get me off the hook.

It is a temptation to me because cultural norms expect us to be superwomen-rushing forward to save the world. Somebody gave my daughter a T-shirt that proclaimed. “I am a responsible person-whenever anything goes wrong, I’m responsible.” That’s the flip side of the Superwoman myth. If my husband is unhappy and my children make mistakes, it is my fault. Sometimes even the modern woman gets tired of trying to be Superwoman. Then we are glad to let somebody else make the decisions. We don’t care any more. Thus kind of submission is really giving up. But there is no glory in a doormat.

But maybe you are willing to hearken to “that still small voice.” Maybe you really want to live up to your conscience. Are you willing to give your man what you desire for yourself-a personal conscience? That’s true love – but it’s also pretty scary-giving him the right to think different from you. What if he is more liberal than you? What if he falls into temptation? What if he cherishes convictions more conservative than your own?

Well, he probably will. Men and women are wired differently, and his family is not exactly like your family even if both share goals, doctrine, etc. So expect differences. God does. He created the possibility, and he protects it. The great price of the unspeakable glory of godly femininity in true love includes true free choice. We can even say “no” to God Himself! It follows that we must be free to say no to our husbands-in the Lord. However-and this is very important- saying “no” to God is not the same as expecting Him to say “yes” to my standards. God does not want us to be robotically obedient, but He does not tolerate our attempts to rule His conscience. Likewise my husband should not accept my “attempt” to take over his responsibilities or mold his conscience.

This is where submission comes in. Because Eve led the way into the Knowledge of Good and Evil, women are tempted to believe that they have a right to lead, to impose their conscience on their husbands. But a man’s conscience is answerable to God-not to his wife. Submission means that instead of deciding what your husband should think/do, you are leaving his responsibility on his shoulders. (You can ask God to protect you from violating your conscience… more on this later). However, if you find yourself trying to convince your husband that your conscience is more accurate than his- you are demanding his submission to you.

This is the old “who wears the pants” struggle that married people laugh-or cry-about. So it is a good thing if you can agree before marriage that neither his nor your conscience should be controlled by the other. It will give you a standard, a godly framework for building a healthy workable marriage.
But don’t be surprised if life throws you a curveball like my postage meter dilemma. What could/should I have done?

Scripture tells us that Sarah faced a similar challenge when Abraham asked her to lie about their marriage. I have always wondered why Sarah went along with Abraham’s idea. Did she care? Did she feel abandoned-or secretly relieved? Was she angry? Certainly, they both knew that lying was wrong. Both Pharaoh and Abimelech were highly offended by Abraham’s deception.

Did Sarah have a choice? Was she tired of the hardships of nomadic life? I don’t know, but I recognize the temptation to complain and blame in my own life. Willingly or unwillingly, Sarah did go along with the plan. And we are Sarah’s daughters (1 Pet 3:6). Think of it! My dilemma made headlines in Genesis!

God didn’t stop Abraham from lying, but He did protect Sarah from being violated in the palace. This tells us something very important about God. He does not abandon us. God will not abandon me even if I fudge for my husband. And God will not abandon him. Of course sin has consequences. But abandonment by our Heavenly Father is not one of them (of course, I can resist Him until he lets me go-He will never force me to be intimate with Him-but that is His gift of free choice, not abandonment).

We’re back at the postage meter. Sarah did what Abraham decided. Is that a blanket endorsement of surrendering my conscience to my husband’s control? Some would say so, but listen to what Solomon wrote, “a garden closed up is my sister, my spouse.” (SOS 5:1) He mentions sister first. I take it then that we are first children of God-brother and sister-and then put together by God Himself in marriage (Mark 10:9).

I think back to my childhood. Growing up my brother and I did not answer to each other, but to our parents. Even now as we begin to take care of our aging parents, my father is very much in control of what we do for him. As Neil and I work out details, I have a first-level commitment to see that my father’s wishes are carried out. But in other areas, I often defer to my brother because he is beginning to assume the responsibilities of family leadership. He is still my kid brother, but he now has an office that I respect.

My husband has an office. He was first was my brother-in-the-Lord. I married him because I respected his walk with the Lord. So we were siblings-in-the-Lord as we got acquainted. Then came a day when God gave to us the wonderful offices of husband and wife. However, the office belongs to God. We are each accountable as steward of our office-to Him. My husband’s office carries responsibilities that do not belong to me. And though they do affect me, he is not answerable to me but to the One who gave him the office. Likewise, I have a first-level responsibility to God for how I use my office.

Okay, that sounds good, but I am still confused as I open the date panel on the postage meter. Is this decision a wife-duty or a child-of-God duty? Will God punish me for lying-or will he punish me for not lying (i.e. refusing to submit to my husband’s request)? There must be some way to figure this out. When does my duty toward God come before my duty to my husband? Or does it ever?

My father would be embarrassed that I am even considering fudging the date. And yet, as I stand there, I think about Nancy Reagan, who had recently started her drug-awareness campaign, proclaiming from her pulpit in the White House, “Just say no.” She made it sound so easy. But I can’t just say, “No, this is not right.” Why not?

It’s partly because I am Adam’s kid. I have a genetic tendency to self-destruct. Scripture calls it the old man (Ep 4:22), sin dwelling in me (Ro 7:17), body of this death (Ro 6:6), etc.. My “carnal mind is enmity against God: for it is not subject to the law of God, neither indeed can be.” (Rom 8:7) Am I operating in the old man? It feels to me that either choice involves sin. There is nothing in this situation that feels light and right. Am I trying to choose between two evils? But what’s evil about submission? Or honesty? Truth is I prefer “honesty” over submission…

But growing up, my efforts to make my own choices were met with anger and scorn. “Do what I say or else.” Or, “Who do you think you are?” Then too, my husband is a strong person-kind and loving-but very sure of himself. I don’t like to cross him. (And the Bible tells me not to, right?). So maybe I’m really trying to choose between disapproval and dishonesty.

Besides, I am all too aware of the financial repercussions if I don’t backdate this letter. How will we pay the bills if he loses his job? Okay, the truth is I am afraid. Afraid that I am responsible to fix the mess we’re in. Afraid of what will happen if I don’t. Afraid to ask God for help-thinking that He will just say, “don’t bother me asking me if you should lie.” Afraid that God cannot, or will not, rescue us from our failure. My fear is tempting me to grab control of the situation. It is not so much my conscience or my husband’s conscience that is the question here. It is control. I want to stop my inner turmoil.

Could it be that it is not so much that my husband is asking me to sin, but that I am already sinning in that 1) I am not trusting God because 2) I think I have to fix it myself, 3) I am not trusting God to operate through my husband’s office because, 4) I have already judged him. 5) I am not trusting God to work in my husband’s life because 6) I’ve rewritten scripture in my head so that “all things (except my husband’s forgetfulness) work together for good to them that love him.” (Ro 8:28) ?

It occurs to me that perhaps my husband is also tied in knots. Well, does that give him the right to control my choice? There is a passage in Isaiah 43 that comes to mind. God is confronting Israel. “You have not called on me nor brought me gifts,” He says. He goes on in verse 24 to say “but you have made me to serve with your sins, you have wearied me with your iniquities.” It’s almost like He is saying, you have put me in a double bind by your sins… I love you. I want to blot out your sins, but you won’t let me. And I have to put up with it because I love you too much to just let you quickly go. You force Me to choose between losing you and overlooking sin-two evils! Can’t you just hear His pain?

What if my husband is misusing the dignity of his office to get control of “my” access to the postage meter? Is he “making me serve in his sins?” Am I the innocent victim of his sins? Here’s the place to be honest! Isaiah is written to me as well as my husband! God is also confronting me-oh no!
God is willing to put up with my husband’s learning curve. But He is crying out that it does hurt. “Look what you are doing to me!” This is the price of free choice in a rebellious world. Still, He is willing to pay that price in order to have the joy of our total trust in the end. (Heb 12:2). Could my learning curve be learning to trust God to correct my husband-His way? Hmmm… So my trust and fear need not be directed toward my husband here? (Phew! Relief!)

And suddenly I suspect my (financial) anxiety is pushing him to fudge the date. There’s a new thought! Have I invited him to sin by my unspoken expectations? (1Co 7:33) Did Sarah’s fears play any part in Abraham’s deceitful plan? Maybe trusting/not-trusting God is a more important issue-a higher priority than fudging/not-fudging the date?

Ultimately, every woman has the same three options in relationships: being Reactive, Passive, or Responsive. I am right smack in the middle of “reacting” to my circumstances. It is Tree of Knowledge stuff. The fear and condemnation are a result of trusting in my own evaluations of the good and evil in this situation – and deciding what to do about it rather than trust God first. Having evaluated my circumstances, I am tempted by cultural mandate to seize control-to react. If Hubby doesn’t know good from evil. I will tell him! On the other hand, some of my teachers and role models condemn women for seizing control and insist that a woman’s role is “passive” submission to the husband’s authority. So I am also tempted to just let him decide for me. In this case, I have invited him to seize control of my conscience, with the attitude I don’t care, and perhaps the unspoken assumption God does not care either.

Is there a better way? Yes. If we had walked Israel with Messiah, we would have seen first hand how He yielded to the gentle promptings of the Spirit willingly in the fear of the Lord (Isa 11:2 This kind of fear is the good kind of fear-a delighted response to the LORD. Check it out-fear, “Yirah” H3374, is a feminine verb;). Messiah is modeling godly submission.

We are amazed that Messiah said, I can do nothing of myself. Wow! Really? Raising the dead, healing the sick, confronting the Pharisees, living an unblemished life… If He wasn’t in control of the outcome, how did he know which people to raise from the dead? Who and when to confront? What and when to leave? I suspect that He did not know! He had to be listening. He had to trust His Father. He was responsive. This is the glory-and the power- of godly responsiveness. (He could have chosen to ignore or resist the office of Holy Spirit provided by His heavenly Father. He could have complained that the Spirit was leading Him into life threatening situations. He could have-but what would have followed?)

We also can ignore or complain about the offices/circumstances God has placed/allowed in our life. Or we can allow the office to function-however imperfectly-and trust God to bring good out of each and every circumstance. Until we believe that God can and will do exactly that, our attitude will be passive resignation (God-has-abandoned-me hopelessness) or reactive resistance to the very circumstances (and office) through which God intends to bless us.

I want you to notice that God calls us-both men and women- to responsiveness (Jam 4:7, Eph 5:21). There is no way to have a good marriage if we are not FIRST responsive to the Holy Spirit’s gentle reminder of our sins. Only when our heart is broken (Is 57:15) does it become a place where God delights to dwell. Then, and only then, can godliness shine through. If I am responsive to my Heavenly Father, I will also learn to be responsive to my husband, neither controlling nor passive. Submission is not the shame of being forced against my will, but an imitation of Messiah’s walk. Thayer’s Lexicon tells us that the word submit (in non-military use) means, “a voluntary attitude of giving in, cooperating, assuming responsibility, and carrying a burden”

The envelope is still in my hand. It’s not too late; I can move back “under the shadow of the Almighty.” But I must confess my sins… I can cease cooperating with my fears and cooperate instead with God’s Word. I can help carry the burden of trusting God’s love, assume responsibility…for my sins.

There is not much point right now in asking God to tell me which is the right choice. Running the letter through on the wrong date is a symptom of my fears. Resisting my husband is a symptom of my condemnation. My double bind comes from eating from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. Yes, I can recognize the evil, but only God can plant my feet on “the path of life.” (Ps 16:11)

Do you see? God hasn’t abandoned me-I have abandoned my place of rest and trust. I have been asking the wrong question all along. It’s not about what I should do with the letter, but what I shouldn’t be doing-acting from fear and condemnation. And the LORD shall help them, and deliver them… and save them, because they trust in him. (Ps 37:40) I have not trusted.

Sometimes I think there is nothing more inspiring than a forgiven sinner. Over and over I’ve seen it happen. A woman confesses her fears and judgments to God (not to her husband), and suddenly – inexplicably – her husband finds himself a better man, husband, and father. He may not know what has happened, but I know that she has been eating from the Tree of Life and that he is no longer bombarded by her conscience-her expectations. He no longer needs to be defensive, but can himself move into a responsive attitude toward our Heavenly Father. I don’t know how it happens. But I know it does happen. Time after time…